This date was one of my favorites.  And when I say ‘favorite’ I mean least favorite.  And when I say least favorite I mean one of the most perplexing; the debate still rages to this day.  It was a train wreck from the start; well, actually the day after.  The real drama and debate didn’t really happen until after the date when I received her very detailed blow-off Email (as you’ll see).  This is the story that many will likely relate to.  It’s a story that debates the importance of money in love.  Does money matter in love?  Well, let’s see, shall we?

“The Penny Pincher” – For Love or Money?

Fear Factor: 2
What-the-hell-just-happened? Factor: 5
Good Riddance Factor: 10
Crazy Factor: 10

The Date Setup

At this point in my dating career, I had learned a few things about first dates.  The most important thing I learned is that you probably should try and keep first dates low-key unless there was already a pretty good amount of chemistry before you meet.  First dates that become big productions have a tendency of putting undue pressure on both people and can easily start the relationship off on the wrong foot.  Save the big productions for a time when you know each other a little better and can be yourself rather than the ‘best-foot-forward’ approach *most* people present on the first date.

That being said, I met ‘Nadine’ on one of the dating sites which will remain unnamed.  She had a well-written profile and seemed to know what she had to offer and what she wanted in a partner.  She was a few years older – is anyone else noticing a trend here?  Once again, she was ‘Perfect on Paper’.  I did notice a few usual sprinklings of oddities (she was OBSESSED with calf muscles) in her profile, but I brushed it off.  I try to leave judgment for the actual meeting.  It’s just all too easy to misinterpret what’s written without seeing the actual person.

The Date Plan

So, after talking for approximately 2 weeks we decided to meet for coffee (at my suggestion) one evening after work: 7pm at Starbucks in Winter Park.  I had time to head home, change my clothes into something more casual and head to the date.  I hadn’t had the Corvette out in a while so I decided to take it instead of my daily driver.  Ok, so let’s get sidetracked for just a moment and talk about the ‘Vette.  What do you think of when a guy over 30 tells you he owns a Corvette?  Yeah, probably not good – I get that.  My ‘Vette, like me, I’d like to think is a little different.  My dad purchased it when I was 15 and it had been in the family since 1990.  I even drove it to my high school homecoming and prom a few times.  We had a history together.  I’d say the other differentiating factor is that it’s a classic car – 1973 Stingray.  In my opinion, it’s far from the pretentious new cars you see driving around today dripping in chrome with 47” rims and what-not.  My Vette is class; it’s muscle.  It’s a classic!

Anyway, on with the story – I arrived at about ten minutes before 7pm and waited in the car a few minutes.  At about five minutes after 7 I decided to go in, order and wait for her on the patio.  She arrived between 7:10 and 7:15 and I went to meet her at the door and said I would wait for her on the patio.  First impressions can make or break the entire date.  Agreed?  I thought you would!  My first impression of her was that she was not very timely.  We sat outside on that lovely evening and drank our coffee, talking for about an hour and a half.  Not a bad conversation for a first date at all!  We both expressed that we had a good time and would like to see each other again.  That was that, or so I thought.  If that WERE that, she wouldn’t have her own chapter, now, would she?

That is, until…

The Date Aftermath

starbucks cup by cherrysweetdeal via Flickr

A couple of days after the date I received an unexpected Email from her.  I think this Email spoke volumes about her personality, so rather than try and regurgitate it myself, I’ll let you read for yourself.

Hi Daniel,

I debated and debated whether I should say anything, or go out again with you. You seem like a really nice guy and it was nice talking to you the other night. But….

I guess if I was doing or not doing something in dating that bothered the guys I was going out, I would want to know. And, I talked with quite a few people, guys and girls about their take on the situation and I got a pretty common consensus. Maybe it is because you are younger (I haven’t dated anyone younger than my age in probably ten years.), but it really bothered me that you didn’t wait for me at Starbucks. I got there and you had already bought your coffee and had sat down at a table outside. I’m not rigid with “chivalry”, so I guess I am really not aware of things unless they are visibly missing.

I will be totally honest with you, and this may sound bad. I am soooooo not a gold-digger or looking for a “Sugar Daddy”. And I think it is a complete turnoff when guys “make sure they mention” they have a “five bedroom house on a lake, make six figures, drive a ____ car, have a boat, travel all over the world, have a cabin in the mountains, house on the beach, or whatever to try to impress women. BUT, I do expect the guy to pay…..especially if it is a first date, or a $4 cup of coffee. And, I don’t know how I would feel if I made a lot of money, probably the same. Unfortunately, I don’t……so your turn, my turn, your turn, doesn’t really work for me. I live on an extremely tight budget, so I would not be able to afford going out to a $50 dinner a few times a month on “my turn”. Out of all the guys I have ever dated, this was only an issue once, and we didn’t date very long. As far as “my contribution” in the relationship, I usually cook, because it is much more feasible for me.

So anyway, there you have it. Everyone but one guy that I polled feels it is the guy’s responsibility. But, I am sure there are girls out there that don’t mind doing the dutch thing. Something to consider in future dating…and I guess if you and the girl aren’t on the same page, you keep searching until you have found one.

Good luck!

‘Nadine’

I could spend way more time than is healthy picking this Email apart line by line but I’m not going to.  I’m not going to do that because, well, it doesn’t matter.  She’s clearly not the one.  But there are a few things I’d like to comment on.  First, on her comment,

And I think it is a complete turnoff when guys “make sure they mention” they have a “five bedroom house on a lake, make six figures, drive a ____ car, have a boat, travel all over the world, have a cabin in the mountains, house on the beach, or whatever to try to impress women.

If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT the type to brag.  I consider myself to be a very humble person and I certainly don’t feel the need to talk-up my financial prowess.  I know there are far more successful men out there.  Anyone that would be interested in any material (superficial) aspect of me isn’t my type, anyway.  End of story.

Second, on her comment,

I am soooooo not a gold-digger or looking for a “Sugar Daddy”.

 

In my personal experience, when someone needs to tell you they are or aren’t something, chances are, it’s a load of crap.  Guys that profess they’re the ‘nicest guy in the world’ would SHOW you they are, not tell you, wouldn’t they?  Women that have to say they’re not gold-diggers?  Yeah.  Her Email (clearly) focuses on topics centered on monetary & financial issues.  Our conversation lasted an hour and a half and, of that time, we talked about finances/monetary topics for all of about 5 minutes.  It’s natural for people to draw conclusions on their own and fill in the gaps, but this was quite a leap.

Lastly, on her comment,

Everyone but one guy that I polled feels it is the guy’s responsibility.

 

Four out of five dentists agree…what IS that, anyway?  This comment made me feel cheap, and I’m really not a cheap person.  I think I’m actually very generous.  I point to a few details that she likely overlooked when surveying her man-friends.  1) She was 15 minutes late. 2) It was just coffee! 3) It was supposed to be casual – no pressure.  If we were to meet for dinner I would have offered to pay, no problem.  The fact that she got her undies this much in a bunch over a cup of coffee tells me she may not have been the one for me.  I am thankful that it came out early.

Lessons of the Day

What did I learn from this date?  Once again, I learned a few things…

1. Trust your instincts.  If something appears to be glaringly obvious in the beginning, guess what?  You’re probably right.  In this case, she made some very superficial comments in our early communications and it turned out (surprise) that she was very superficial.  I knew superficial and I wouldn’t get along but I gave her a chance anyway.  I don’t regret doing that, obviously, but other than the fact that I get to add another chapter to my memoirs she was a complete waste of my time.
2. People date with preconceived notions.  No matter how hard we try to be ourselves out there in the dating world, someone’s going to misinterpret us.  That’s ok, though!  Because sooner or later someone will come along and see us for who we truly are – great!