I cannot count the number of times I have commented on the winds of change and how it is inevitably going to happen.

It is the most normal thing in the world. You don’t usually hear someone complaining about their ex never changing from the day they met until the day they split. You hear people complain about the fact the ex changed and would not change back to that great person they were when they first met.

Change between couples is going to happen because we get older, experience things that change our perceptions, turn into moms and dads, get different jobs or further your education. All of these things bring new influences into our lives and force us to evolve on some level. This is true of love as well. The down side to this is, most of the time, the change is negative (speaking only for the divorced people – not all people change negative in their relationship).

So often I hear other people complain in the end their ex was lazy, didn’t wine/dine them, sex was boring, wouldn’t clean house and my favorite: they didn’t ‘listen’ anymore. How do I know this for sure? That was me until I got struck by a mental bolt of lightening and had an emergency broadcast from Mr. All-Of-The-Above during a heated argument.

Past to Present Recap

During a battle that raged on for several days, a blanket of numbness settled between me and the husband. He was finally wore down emotionally enough to stop yelling like a lunatic and I was numb enough not to feel provoked no matter what took place. He kept swearing, “You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t want a divorce all the time.” I told him no matter how much he said it or how many times, it wouldn’t make it true and he was entitled to his opinion.

I was miserable to the point where I was working 17 hours a day, quiet all the time and I refused to ‘share’ my thoughts, but I knew I still loved him. I just didn’t like him anymore. For what? He wasn’t going to listen anyway. Stubborn, mean fool!

So then he says the next thing that always comes like clockwork. “If you love me, prove it. Tell me how you know you love me and not just who I used to be”.

Of course I am worn down by the same broken record. I will answer and he will argue it no matter what I say. So, I try to reassure him more out of lack of energy than anything and say, “I see the changes you have made. You aren’t nearly as volatile, angry or explosive as you used to be. I was in love with you then, so why is it so hard for you to understand I am capable of loving you now”? What he said next shocked me to the core.

Throwing a Fishing Line into an Abyss

He looks at me and says, “Because of the way you just answered me”. He explained even when things were awful between us and anyone in their right mind would have ran without ever coming back, I never said words to express how I loved him like I just had. I sat there just shocked.

I am not excusing his actions or rewriting the past, but in a fraction of time; I realized I was complaining about him changing when we both were victims of it. I say victim because that is the definition of the word. When someone falls prey to something they really didn’t invite or realize was happening to them.

In my minds eye, I truly believed I was reassuring him I did in fact love him still and thought it was a great analogy to show how it was still possible to love him in that moment.

I felt so stupid, I could have crawled under the table! When we were still individuals, I knew how to express love to another person in such a way, it would make another long for my company. I have always known I had an infectious personality and a crazy amount of charisma in social settings. I am a sensual woman. I knew how to speak to get what I want without lying, having sex to get what I want or hurting another persons feelings. I am not just bragging. I ‘was’ self aware of who and what I really was.

In that moment, I felt like I had baited my hook to catch a minnow in a lake only to realize I was using Kryptonite strong enough to catch a monster in an abyss of endless unknown creatures! How could I not see my own changes? I argued he never touched me like he did a new piece of tail, we lost our spark, didn’t listen to me and wasn’t who he used to be.

Well, guess what? Neither was I anymore. I had changed on a level that was automatic in response without even thinking about it.

That Explains a Lot

Did that stop me from wanting a divorce or blaming myself for everything?

No. Too little too late. Things were too far gone for repair. Not because it was easier to move on, but because the relationship wasn’t healthy nor had it been on any level since the beginning.

What it did do is make me hold myself accountable for my own actions and face the fact that I had changed right along with the relationship. Not in a good way either. My ‘charm’ I had once delivered on people because I liked people in general was gone. Not just from dealing with him either. It had flown the coop and somehow I replaced it with negativity toward all people including myself.

Self loathing and pessimism became so normal, I fell off a cliff when it dawned on me I really reacted to people this way now. I no longer knew who I was being as opposed to who I thought I was. That one realization set a chain reaction in motion that got (and still is) really confusing. Before it was over, he beat me to death with that; applied it to all situations no matter what happened. I questioned everything I did and said after that; picked apart any gut level feeling.

He was not the type of man you could confide in without him taking personal conversations and using it as a weapon when manipulation was needed to get me to bend or break on an issue.

Finding Yourself a Little at a Time

I realized I could not become a better person to myself or anyone else while we were still together. I didn’t like who I was with him, just as much as I no longer liked him.

You can love someone to the moon and back, but if you don’t like yourself and you don’t like them, it is over.

Self discovery in moments like these need to be labeled as enormous moments for emotional recovery. Recovering from what you turned into can and will be amazingly difficult and overwhelming at times. It is so much easier to stay in the belief the other person is at fault because they no longer act, speak or feel the way you once believed they did.

Do not make the mistake of realizing something like this and take on the past as one big ball of guilt where you are to blame for everything that ever happened. It does take two. When it is all over and done and there is just you remaining, seize these moments to grow spiritually and emotionally. Tear down your own defenses and point your finger right back at yourself. If not, you will carry this into the next relationship. You will then blame the new person for an action that reminds you of your ex.

Self responsibility for actions can be so easily translated into holding the weight of the world of guilt on your own shoulders. Be careful. Next time you take stock of your life remember to love yourself. If you can’t, try and remember a time you did and think about the mental state you were in. Have you changed? Are you sure? Your kids, family and friends could be the quickest way to find out. Ask them when they saw you as the happiest in your life. Your memory will do the rest.

Below is a guest commentary submitted by one of my female readers on the recent “legitimate” rape statements made by Rep. Todd Akin, a Republican Congressman from Missouri. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the issue in the comments section below.

It seems that women’s issues have become the focus of many political conversations. Lately I feel as though we are regressing back to the days when women had to fight for their rights. Despite the fact that I am only a mere 31 years old and have never had to fight for my own rights, I find it a bit daunting to see that these issues have once again rolled around. While I admit, I do not follow political attack campaigns, I can’t help but wonder what in the world GOP Rep. Todd Akin was thinking when he made a recent statement in the press:

“It seems to me first of all from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy resulting from rape] that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

When exactly did Akin speak to a doctor about this is what I want to know. Furthermore, has he ever known anyone that has been raped and subsequently got pregnant? Likely not, but this is hardly a basis to make such a statement on. Furthermore, what constitutes an legitimate rape? If a woman says no, it means no, there are no circumstances that make a rape illegitimate.

Let me clue you into some fertility facts that are common knowledge:

Fact - when a women ovulates, they are more likely to get pregnant.

Fact – If a woman is raped during the period in which she ovulates, and the rapist does not use any form of protection, she can get pregnant.

Fact – If our bodies were able to shut down during rape, believe me there would be hundreds of thousands of women rejoicing in the streets because it would make rape impossible.

Not only is the statement made by Akin an insult to women everywhere, it is also a double-insult hurled at those who have been raped and ended up pregnant. What choices they make in that situation are none of anyone’s business, but it has happened enough times and babies have been born out of this situation.

It’s not enough that Akin has apologized and his apology is hardly one that would be accepted by any woman who suffered through a rape only to find out that the act of violence resulted in pregnancy.

Here is his so-called “apology.”

“I used the wrong words in the wrong way.” followed by “I misspoke.”

Really, is that the best you can come up with? My advice to you Mr. Akin would be to stop talking, especially about something over which you nor any other government body should have any control over. I’m sure I speak for most women when I say:

My Body, My Business. Stay out of it.

The following is a guest post submitted by one mom with an opinion she wanted to share on the recent Chic-Fil-A controversy surrounding a comment from a corporate executive regarding the chain’s thoughts on equality of marriage. The comment went viral and a number of protests and counter-protests were staged over the following weeks to both support and oppose the statement. What are your thoughts about the Chic-Fil-A executive’s comments? Have his statements changed your opinion on the debate or the restaurant in any way? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

As parents it is our job to protect our children. Not only do we have to worry about ensuring their safety on a daily basis, but we also have to protect them from outside influences that may taint their innocence. One such influence that concerns me is the recent incident with Chic-Fil-A.

Here’s what happened, briefly:

The COO of the company announced in an interview that he and his company were run by the principles of God and that he supported the traditional marriage. Without directly stating that he believed that the gay community did not have the rights to get married, the statement went viral and thousands of customers began to divide either in favor of traditional marriage or outraged that a comment would be made so publicly against the gay community.

While I am all for standing up for what you believe in, I don’t agree with the media circus that followed. With a small daughter in the house, how do I begin to protect her from these influences and explain to her the hatred that seems to emanate no matter which side of the story you look at? Furthermore, how do I address the fact that serious human rights violations are occurring?

I’ve always been the type of person to live and let live. I don’t push my moral values on anyone and I don’t expect them to be pushed on me. I’m very accepting of who individuals are and I want my daughter to grow up to be the same way. Racism, discrimination and fear mongering have no place in our society, yet every time we turn on the news, it’s there, taunting us.

Another fact that seriously disturbs me is every time I log into Facebook, all I see are messages – especially in light of recent events – that are crying out with hatred. It’s enough to make me sick and want to turn off my computer. Sometimes I just wish the level of interaction [through social media] we have didn’t exist. People are so insistent upon using the Bible to lure hate messages at each other that they are failing to carry out the one thing that the Bible says over and over again – do not cast judgment, lest you be judged and above all else, love your brothers.

Spewing hate messages and carrying on rallies against certain groups, is not to me, a good Christian message. It is using the Bible for all the wrong purposes. Who cares what a person’s sexual orientation or preference is? Does it really matter in the overall scheme of things?

Since my daughter is still young, I can shelter her from the negativity. I don’t let family members discuss controversial stuff in front of her nor do I. She should be able to maintain her innocence as long as she can. In the meantime, I’ll continuing stressing to her that a person is a person regardless of their skin color, their handicap and their sexual preference. If more parents would do as I am doing, the hate would eventually begin to subside. But as long as we have people using the Bible as a means of spreading hate, I’m afraid hate will only continue to breed and that saddens me; very much so.

As taboo as the subject of sexual partners and STD is, it is mind boggling to really know the facts and who is at risk. Everyone seems to be ready for relationships when they are finally over a divorce or out of one that didn’t work out, but most people refuse to discuss possible infections as a result of sexual contact. Would you consider 4 relationships in a year promiscuous behavior? Even if he or she was faithful to each partner? Most people who divorce are heard at some point say, “I am just having fun right now and doing ‘me’”. Doing you could cause some serious unwanted conversations before and after sexual contact.

One Out of Four Are at Risk

Even if you were to date a person exclusively once every 4 months, you just opened yourself up for a higher percentage rate of being infected with an STD.

One out of every four people, especially younger people, have an STD. Marinade on that for a moment.

Most people think someone has to be ‘loose’ if they are a carrier a particular disease caused by sex. This isn’t true. Say the woman/man just got unlucky enough to hit the one of every four people infected and they were very careful about partners. You cannot really call this person promiscuous when in fact; they are rarely sexually active. The United States is a breeding ground for this situation. There are currently 314,099,480 people in the U.S.A. including babies and elderly. You have to take into account that some of these age ranges are not sexually active. Out of the ones that are, there are 65 million people with STDs.

You may think you are being safe for many different reasons that may include the following:

• They look healthy and have weight on them
• They do not show any open wounds
• They said they get tested or give blood regularly
• They just got out of a relationship or marriage
• They have had few sexual partners in their lifetime
• They claim to be faithful
• I always use condoms and will now
• We can just have oral sex, you won’t catch anything that way

My Knowledge Trumps Your Excuse

It is crazy how much the words, “I would never cheat” gets men and women into bed even when their brain tells them they should know better. It is like a huge weight being pushed off your chest when you or them pull out a condom. Great! You just reduced your risk, but you didn’t completely protect yourself. Herpes is contracted with the use of condoms and so is every other disease if it breaks. Alcohol can, does and will hinder your ability to use it wisely.

Pregnancy is also the other factor to worry about. If you are not for alternate methods as opposed to having a child, you will find yourself thinking the unthinkable for your personality type without taking steps to prevent accidents.

A Personal Account of HIV

Of course you have heard this all before. You are a grown adult and this isn’t your first rodeo. However, I am about to tell you something that goes beyond startling. It is down right painful and a violation of any humans rights.

My stepmother is the 18th longest living HIV case in America. She dated a man she fell for in the early 1980’s. She loved him so much, she married him. She had recently split with my father and thought that life on earth in pure hell was over. He was not a ‘great guy’ or anything that resembled it. She wasn’t promiscuous and didn’t believe in dating around. She married him and lived with the man for 10 years.

One day at work she gets a call from the hospital. She shows up and asks what is wrong with her man. They started speaking of his T cell count and immunity to fight off the infection. There was a lot of technical jargon being used she didn’t understand. They spoke to her this way because she was his wife of ten years. They ‘assumed’ she knew and was also positive. He had developed full blown A.I.D.S. and was about to take a turn he wasn’t coming back from. She had NO CLUE. He was always healthy until right before being admitted. He was even portly in body shape.

She got tested and it was positive. Her husband had literally killed her on purpose. He knew and had been getting treated behind her back. The most startling part is his whole family knew it too! They never breathed a word before, at or after the wedding. They had ‘assumed’ she knew and was positive already. My mother passed long ago and she is my mother to me. She works for a government agency and has for the last 40 years. She is about to retire and her health is failing. She flies all over the world and performs education on STDs and HIV. She is very active and not ashamed of her disease.

I cannot express to you the amount of shear respect I have for her. My children are around her and yes, they drink after her. Most people would gasp at this until they become educated enough to know the risks of a task like that. I love my mother and my children. I also love myself to know a couple of steps to keep me from ever having to endure her pain.

15 Minutes and We Can Get Naked!

The local Health Department located in EVERY CITY has daily walk ins for STD checks. AIDS and a few other disorders are the scariest ones right?

It takes 15 minutes to get the results of an HIV test. I have taken future partners with me to get tested before I had intercourse with them. The cons of being ‘semi’ cautious is oral sex and condoms. You shouldn’t perform oral sex without a condom with a partner who hasn’t been tested. The teeth are a huge risk in accidents and let’s face it; it tastes pretty disgusting!

So many men and women make their future partners ‘work for it’ so they feel assured a relationship will last or the person knows they are not a ‘slut/manwhore’. If we go through all of that just to make ourselves feel like we are living life in a safe and moral manner, why not stop by a local Health Department? I for one am pretty adventurous in the sack and detest having limits set on my behavior. Of all the embarrassing moments if said out loud I enjoy are done, I cannot understand why someone would feel awkward or embarrassed to take their future partner to get tested. Remember, 1 out of 4 sexual encounters and you’re it!

Duck, Duck, Goose, STD!

As much as people tell you, “I am clean, I promise. I don’t have symptoms, sores or pain”, don’t fall for it. They come in all sizes, colors and ages. Most men don’t even show symptoms of diseases such as Chlamydia and Bacterial Vaginosis. The majority of people infected with HIV don’t have symptoms for years and Herpes which is ever rising in count may not show outbreaks for half their lifetime! That they can see anyway. Even a minute ‘thought it was an ingrown hair’ or not visible sore can infect you the first time you have sex with them.

Question Yourself

I am speaking to singles with and without kids, but mainly to parents of divorce or miserable relationships with kids. These are the ones that usually cheat or get cheated on and others who are thinking of new partners more often. You are a role model for your children. What would you tell them? Don’t do it isn’t going to work. They will eventually venture into that avenue. You are playing roulette with yourself and your kids every time you don’t make that 15 minute stop. I sit longer in traffic jams daily! Don’t let your kids turn into me either. I adore my mother and I am grateful for outspoken she is about education on this subject. She has changed into an amazing person since her younger years because of it. I just wish it didn’t take this to open her eyes, my eyes and possibly yours.

It is amazing how stressed out we can get as single parents.

Often we are heard complaining about the lack of patience in our children. They are demanding at any age, but a two year old can make you really want to tear your hair out. I implore you to reevaluate who is really stressing you out. Retraining yourself to think can be done by the smallest of everyday events in the life of your child.

After getting up at 6 in the morning, dropping the kids off at daycare, working 9 hours, driving back to the daycare to get the kids, going to the grocery store, stopping at the bank, putting gas in the car and coming home only to work some more on projects to make ends meet, dinner time she comes! You cook, feed them, clean the house and settle them in for the evening. Then you get to go back to working for money until your head literally falls on the keyboard. Wake up again at 7AM on a Saturday to drink your coffee and start work again.

Who could possibly maintain this life and not want to scream out of frustration and lack of patience when they wake back up and demand breakfast?

An Epiphany At Breakfast

Three hours into side projects to pay the bills, I sit outside on my porch drinking coffee and my 2 year old wakes up wanting breakfast. I feed the other kids and bring him out on the porch to enjoy his cinnamon crunch with me while looking at the birds. I look over at him and realize he is staring at his arm while munching away. He slowly turns his hand and stays focused while using the other hand to keep on munching. I see that he is staring at an ant wondering around in hopes of food on his arm.

It hits me in an instant. That would drive me literally into a fit of aggravation! Not just because of the creepy crawly effect, but because it would take my attention away from what I was doing. His look was so intense and curious. Had I looked at that ant on my arm while eating my cereal, I would have made his next occupation pushing up daisies!

My child has not seen the stress of bills. He doesn’t realize he is from a separated family, nor does he care about being bothered while doing his favorite task; eating. My child has more patience than me for one reason. He is still able to realize there are so many things he has seen before, yet he takes time to observe them. Not only does he have more patience, he can multitask better than I can!

Following Realizations

I constantly feel pulled in a hundred directions each day by work and my kids.

I get frustrated when I cannot seem to please them. But, today it seems so simple. My son was amused by an ant for several minutes while eating. Good Lord, if I bought him an ant farm, I could get an hour of work done while spending time with him and make him happy all in one shot!

This will produce less feelings of guilt about spending time with them and still getting my required daily routine done. So, this is what I come up with today. It may not work all the time, but any time making your child happy and fulfilling your obligations simultaneously is something that is worth it’s weight in gold.

Steps To Sanity And Happiness

First realize children can be easily amused.

A simple praise from you could literally be a memory they always have when they grow up. Even if there isn’t enough time in the world to accomplish what you need to do and be the only person who takes care of your kids, make time. Realize that the phrase quality time is garbage. Any time spent with your kids is quality time.

Time management must be put into place. They love structure and feed off of it. They need a daily routine just as badly as you do to get things done and feel productive. It gives them something to look forward to.

Never make promises you cannot live up to. Even going to the park can be an earth shattering event if you cannot take them for some reason and they were counting on it. If you know you are busy that day, suggest it. Do not put it in stone by saying this is going to happen.

For your own sanity, incorporate them in the smallest of tasks. You would not believe how helpful a 2 year old can be when doing laundry. They literally giggle when you hand them clothes to put in the dryer! Counting items to teach them numbers comes in real handy with this task. I have a 2 year old that can count to eleven because of this very thing.

The older ones like to play games too. Speed race your kids to see who can fold the most clothes and reward them with praise. (Try and let them win, it helps their ego) Yes, this sounds ridiculous, but it really works most days.

Keep Yourself Open to Smelling a Few Roses

How annoying is that saying? Seriously. It makes you want to just choke shiny happy people who say it, right?! But how much is because you mostly just really envy their happiness and naive existence?

You think, “if you had my life and struggled with kids alone you wouldn’t be so chipper, would ya”? Believe it or not, some of them do have your life and troubles, but yet they seem patient like they don’t have a care in the world. This is because they realize a simple gaze at your child can teach you new things even at 39.

If there are things in your life you put off because of time issues, make time for it. Before you do that, change your mindset before you change your life. Any situation will be handled negatively if you approach it thinking it is going to be awful. Sounds like psycho babble BS, huh? There is a reason there are so many self help books. Therapists are on the rise because of how much they are needed nowadays. Our bodies are shaped mainly by what we put into them and how we treat them. Our mindset is the same. What we allow ourselves to think is what usually produces our words, actions and thought process.

Having patience can be as simple finding a moment each day to look over at your kids and watch the look on their face. You realize your 2 year old is stronger than you have been recently; happier too. You may think your child is only happy because life hasn’t hit them yet. However, any moment in your day or week when you feel real happiness or proud of something you have done (such as praise from a boss or knowing you nailed a task) proves that you are capable of seeing the smallest accomplishments in yourself. You still have all the wonder your children do. It is shocking how much patience you have when kids are incorporated into your day without them even knowing it.

Make Time for Quiet Thoughts in Strange Places

Between getting ready, using the facilities and cleaning, it is suggested people spend an average of 30 minutes a day in the bathroom; sometimes more. Let’s run with the half hour. That is 210 minutes per week spent in there! If you think you don’t have time to try and sit quietly to reflect on a peaceful thought, you are wrong.

If we spend 3 ½ hours just ‘doing our business’, it is impossible to think we cannot make time. We would die without doing the everyday task of bodily functions. We do it without thinking about it. Our patience with the kids is just as vital to our existence as parents as bodily functions.

With those few hours, we could have concentrated on how to approach a stressful situation in our day or just spend time regrouping. I do not urge you to count to ten when you are angry and frustrated without peace in sight. I have just shown you where you can count to 210 and still multitask without feeling like you are wasting precious minutes of the day trying to find your happy place with the kids and your life.

The statistics on people in abusive relationships is practically jaw dropping. As if this isn’t already horrible to the adults going through it, over 3 million children witness the abuse in just a single year. Some of the children have already made this a permanent part of their daily life; they see it as being normal. When going through this ordeal as an adult, it is hard to recognize the damage children also endure. Both the parent and child go through emotional trauma that can last a lifetime. Serious illnesses can occur from the abuse that may not be limited to just cuts, broken bones and bruises in moderate abusive relationships.

Emotional Damages May Include:

• Low self esteem
• Anxiety
• Nervousness
• Anger and rage
• Loss of jobs/reduced grades
• Feelings of Isolation
• Guilt
• Loss of family and friends

In more severe cases, self mutilation, suicide or hurting others are very common for both the child and adult that are victims to the abuse. Many people will generalize that weak women are the victims. They can understand a child going through it because they are small and cannot advocate for themselves. A woman going through it is easily thought of as the same type of victim. But, this is so far from the truth, it doesn’t even relate to telling a half truth. Strong women who may be intelligent, business tycoons, muscle bound and even men are subject to domestic abuse.

What Is Considered Abuse

People may not leave a relationship even for the sake of their child if they are unclear on what abuse really is. She may say, “I am not being hit and I don’t have bruises”. Therefore, they are not victims. He may say, “I am a man”. Therefore, it is not possible he is a victim. Another voice of both genders may say, “They don’t hit my child”. Therefore, emotional abuse doesn’t really seem real to them. It isn’t that they don’t want to protect their child, they just may not understand what domestic abuse really is. When abuse is happening, it can be the most terrifying thing that has ever happened in your life. Walking or running away may not seem like a solution.

Types Of Abuse

Physical Abuse: Any time someone physically touches you without you saying they can, it is physical abuse. People do not have to have wounds, red marks, bruises, lacerations or visible signs to make this real. Some people have reported being spit on, tripped, pushed or poked by a finger. This may seem small and insignificant, but more times than not it is just the beginning to something much worse. I do not want to take away from those acts. Just because they seem harmless, it is still against our will.

Emotional Abuse: When someone breaks your things, keeps you from family and friends, yells or argues with you in public, threatens to hurt you or themselves when you try to leave or has a negative effect on your self image and worth, you may be going through emotional abuse.

Verbal Abuse: Talking down to another person, not letting someone finish their statements, calling names and insulting a person is verbal abuse. Even if the abuser doesn’t have the intention of damaging another person with their words, it is still abuse.

Financial Abuse: Controlling someone’s money out of anger or spite is considered financial abuse. Abusers may withhold money so their partner cannot leave them.
Sexual abuse: This type of abuse is the easiest to define. It is any type of sexual advance against your will. Even patting on the bottom without your permission is sexual abuse. Just because a person is married does not give them the right to take what they want.

Reasons For Abuse

Thousands of excuses are used to pardon abuse. It all comes down to one reason though; control. People have said they were abused when they were growing up and this is why they do it. They do not see anything wrong with it. This is actually partially true. People who have been molested, sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally are more likely to repeat this behavior. However, if you are wondering how to stop feeling sorry for them, ask yourself one question. Why do most abusers only yell in public and not hit? (With the exception of a few and when intoxicated) Because they know better. They DO know right from wrong. It all comes down to controlling another person. Do not kid yourself into thinking these people are complete victims.

Get Out and Get Out NOW

Abuse victims have built their life around fearing this person.

The person they loved.

The person they think loves them.

I hear people say, “that isn’t real love” when trying to wrap their minds around why abusers do it. I do not believe this. I believe they may love the person they are hurting all the way to the moon in some cases. However, I do believe they are damaged and broken. It is a mental disorder. I am not a doctor. I have, however, lived through this first-hand. I have seen many people go through it and know several abusers, even now. This does not invoke compassion in me. When people are broken, they usually know it. They become comfortable with it. After time, you don’t even get, “I’m sorry”. They go on to tell you how YOU made THEM do it! I got so sick of hearing it will only get worse. Ironic part is, it did. My children are damaged, I am damaged. Call a crisis center in your area if you are going through it. The national number is 1−800−799−7233 and 1−800−787−3224. Even if you are still in the marriage, you can take this step to find out alternatives. You may not be ready to end it all for you or your children, but even making the call or going to a support group online can give you strength and courage you didn’t know you had.

Why You Should Not Immediately Date

This may sound like a celibate death sentence to some. After all, you go through abuse for a short or long time and live through Hell. Now what do you get? To be alone. Yay. What a prize you have won. However, it is needed for several reasons, especially if kids went through it with you, it will take time to become healthy again. Your kids will need vast amounts of your time to rebuild their lives back to normality.

You will need time to sort out how you feel. The emotional roller coaster may seem endless. You will be lonely in most cases and the desire to sustain your pain with another person may be strong. What about the damage to the new person? You are not healthy yet. You are bringing all this to their doorstep and by default, pulling them into a field booby trapped with landmines. How fair is that? It is hard enough to be emotionally stable for you and your kids. Now you are asking another person to take on all that weight.

Try and remember how heavy the pain and burden of the abuse was. Then apply it to another person who will be emotionally responsible for you in the future. Do not date until you have had a long period of real recovery. No one said it was going to be easy. You went through pain, now you have to go through more to heal. Being alone until you are stronger has it’s benefits. You get to figure out who you are and learn to fall in love with yourself and kids again. That is a relationship worth spending time and energy on until it is appropriate to be with another.

The following is a guest post opinion article submitted by one of my fine readers. What do you think about these dating rules? Should you conceal a side of you or just be honest with your dates? What advice do you have to offer? Please share in the comments below or contact me to submit your own opinion for publication!

Guys ask you out on a date because they find you attractive. This is basically the reason why they want to know more about you. However, if you want more than adoration and you wish to be taken seriously by men, you have to exhibit respectable traits. If the man is aware of your past and he decided to ask you out, he expects a sense of maturity from you. He’s probably attracted to more experienced women and he prefers to be with someone whose wavelength is the same as his. Displaying your fully developed mental and emotional faculty on your date should be a major consideration as it signifies proper demeanor. Here are some reasons why you have to conceal your teeny bopper side on a date.

Childishness is a turn-off.

Of course, you have infantile behavior like everybody does. But revealing this on your first date should not be an option. You have to be as modest as you can to impose that you are educated and you conform to recognized standards of manners. Childishness is a major turn-off for guys. While having dinner in a romantic place, you must act like a classy lady and not a silly teeny bopper. Speak sensibly and do not make unnecessary gestures.

He might think you’re not his match.

Men have greater tendency to behave immaturely. But despite this notion, they still prefer someone who is matured enough to understand them when they go juvenile and someone who can muddle through their opinions and behavior when they get serious. If the guy you are with sees your childishness right away, he might throw out the thought of pursuing you.

Your sense of responsibility will be questioned.

As a single parent, people expect you to exhibit ripeness all the time. It’s really not easy to raise kids. One needs patience and determination to have this done fruitfully. But you won’t be able to realize this if your mindset is as raw as that of a teenager. Being responsible and living life maturely always go hand in hand. If you do not want the way you handle your obligations to be questioned, you have to be well-aware of your duties and be responsive to it. You have to think of your kids first in any given circumstance. If you demonstrate your happy-go-lucky side too much, the guy will not think of you as his dream partner anymore.

You can still have fun on your date without having to act like a child. There’s a right venue for teeny bopping but while in the stage of dating, you should make an effort to conceal it.

Have you heard of the news? Joshua Garlathy, a dad who willfully escaped his obligations to his daughter for 19 years. He was caught in a very unique way. He was tricked into thinking he was going to be in a Jennifer Anniston movie. He’s going to enjoy a 90-day probation and he’s also obliged to pay more than $32,000 to his daughter (as his supposed financial support for all those years he ‘forgot’). Who would have thought that his dream of being a star would lead him to his downfall?

Pennsylvania Joins the Deadbeat Parent Law

A law known as the Deadbeat Parent Law was established in the state of Pennsylvania in 2011. This parenting law allows the state to arrest parents who try to escape their responsibilities (in terms of financial support) to their children by residing outside the state.

Joshua Garlathy broke this law and has managed to escape this rule by flying to Hawaii. However, he flew back to Pennsylvania hoping to make his name famous by agreeing to a role in a bogus famous movie with Jennifer Aniston. Unknown to him, the whole plot was planned by the child’s mother (his ex), who has been looking for him for years because of his paternal obligations to their daughter. So, what’s the conclusion? Guilty!

Parenting – His and Her’s (Responsibility)

Parenting doesn’t always mean staying together under the same roof with the child’s other parent. Although it is ideal for the child to grow up with his/her complete family, if the situation will not allow this scenario to happen, then just fulfill your financial obligations to your child. You can always show your love to them through your financial support, making them feel that you will never let them die in hunger or live a pauper’s life. To make the story short, you need to take full responsibility of the consequences of your actions.

Parenting – His and Her’s (Obligation)

Whether you like it or not, you have to face the consequences of your deeds. Practically, a child will never be born without the role of the other parent. Parents are obligated to raise their child. They are obliged by their conscience and by law to take good care of their child no matter what. Therefore, if they will neglect their obligation through overcoming their conscience, the law will hunt them down instead.

Joshua Garlathy might have failed in facing his responsibility and obligation as a father for 19 years; but, the opportunity to start anew and salvage his relationship with his daughter is still knocking on his door.

A friendly reminder to all the dads out there: running away will not solve your problem. Face it like a real man!