A father is something else; a father is more of a biological term than a role or relationship.

First, Let’s Define Dad

The words ‘dad’ and ‘father’ are very similar on the surface and yet, I think to many people they hold very different meanings.  For the purpose of this article I’d like to define the difference in my eyes between a dad and a father.

A dad is someone that is there for his children.  A dad watches and actively participates in their lives.  A dad helps them grow up, raises them, nurtures them, attends dance recitals and baseball games and is present.

Next, Let’s Define Father

On the surface you’d think the definitions between dad and father would be the same – but they’re not. They are very different, in fact.

A father is something else; a father is more of a biological term than a role or relationship.  A father is a the birds and bees version of a parent. They are a reproductive assistant, if you will.  Father’s need only contribute the biological components necessary to produce the child.  After that, the their role and obligation to the child is over.

A father doesn’t need to be present to have a have a child.  They don’t need to participate to make their biological contribution.  A father doesn’t need to be present to be a father. Therein lies the difference when attempting to define the difference between a dad and a father. Of course, this distinction is my own and you may or may not agree or buy into my differences. Though, I know there are single moms out there that know there’s a distinctive difference between the two. They see every single day what the differences are between being a dad and being a father mean to their child’s life.

Defining a Father’s Rights vs. Dad’s Rights

I attempt to make the distinction between a dad and a father so that I can carry those definitions into a discussion on dad’s (father’s) rights.  The U.S., and to an extent, the world, has seen an epidemic of fathers that abandon their families and children, often before the child is even born.

For whatever reason they don’t want to be parents.  They choose not to participate in their child’s life.  They choose to be selfish over being selfless.  Many (too many) men have taken this path of fathering a child but leaving the ‘dad’ part up to someone else – sometimes mom or sometimes another man that’s not afraid of stepping in to fill that role.  In many cases I get that the mother and child truly would be better off without the father in their lives.  That’s a shame, really and it’s no excuse.

There is no excuse.

Some Fathers Setting the Unfortunate Precedence

Often, the courts would default to siding with the mother and the father (or dad) was left to prove his worth or value in the child’s life to the court. But what about when a father decides to also be a dad?  What about when a father has to be a dad? When it’s so engrained in his soul that he’s nearly incapable of not being a dad?

Many states make this dad’s outlook on spending time with his child, being involved in his child’s life and actively participating in the child’s life very much an up-hill battle.

The Progression of Family Law

Some states’ laws are beginning to turn around somewhat and correct this perceived ‘imbalance’ in rights and de facto anti-dad lean.  Last year (2011), Florida passed legislation that, among other things, modified the definition of ‘Substantial Time Sharing’.  For those of you unfamiliar with this term, allow me to briefly (and very non-technically) explain how child support is calculated.

Florida Child Support Calculation Change

Child support in the state of Florida is calculated using a complex formula that incorporates each party’s income and expenses, standard of living and finally the amount of time the child spends with each parent.  The child support amount can be calculated at various tiers of time-sharing.

For example, a parent may be obligated to pay $500 in child support when the time-sharing is split on a 20/80 basis.  However, if the time-sharing split is 40/60 (the old ‘substantial’ cut-off) the obligation may be reduced to $200 or even down to $100 at a 50/50 sharing arrangement.  At each ‘tier’, the child support obligation goes down.

The support amount takes a more dramatic decrease once that ‘substantial’ level of sharing is reached.

On January 1, 2011 the definition of ‘Substantial Sharing’ in the state of Florida was lowered to 20% time-share.  For a more detailed explanation of this change in the law, please see my blog post “The Winds of Change”.

To interpret the intentions of the law may be a bit fruitless – they are politicians, after all.  I’ll make an attempt anyway.

I would say the state was hoping to even the playing field for dads that want to participate by removing any financial incentive for a parent to want to fight the other parent from having the child a few more nights a year.  Basically, the parent would receive the same child support amount for a 40/60 split as they would for a 20/80 split.  That gave both parents incentive to share the child more.

Obviously, no law is perfect and I can see a scenario where a marginally-involved parent (somewhere between a father and a dad) would seek to share time at or above that 20% (which is every-other weekend) simply to get a reduction in child support.  Again, no law is perfect but I feel the benefits to dads that are interested in spending more time with their children but must haggle over a few nights because of the ‘substantial share’ rule being set too high.

Dads as Second-Class Parents

I think a lot of involved dads share this feeling with me.  Many times I feel like a second-class parent in my son’s life.

It hurts. It hurts a lot, actually.

I feel like, in the eyes of the court and in the eyes of my ex, she’s the parent and I get to ‘borrow’ my son now and then.  I see no reason why dads shouldn’t be afforded the same rights and access to their children as mothers do.  I see no reason why the default sharing shouldn’t be 50/50 unless one parent or the other can prove why it should be something less than equal.

I understand that women carry the child, give birth and, more often than the father, raise the child solo.  But how much are the laws (and some individual’s behavior) actually discouraging fathers from participating in their children’s lives?  A father should fight to be a dad tooth and nail but a father also shouldn’t be required to fight so hard.  The chips shouldn’t be quite so stacked against the dad that genuinely wants (or needs) to participate.

How do you distinguish between the definition of dad and the definition of father? Do you have a story you’d like to share? Use the comment form below or contact me to tell me your story.

Father and Son by Suraphat, on Flickr