Dating and men…  They’re often unfriendly bedfellows but just as often are necessary evils. Men would just as happily avoid the entire process, but that leaves for the potential of one too many guy’s nights out and little for long-term happiness. Daters naturally look to others for advice – especially when we, ourselves, don’t have much experience in dating. 

Peruse any bookstore and you’ll eventually come to notice something about the dating and relationships section of the store.

It’s big. Really big.

There are thousands of dating books out there, though. How can one tell if they actually ad any value and help us as singles to become smarter daters? Many of the books available are written for a female audience. Why is that? Do men not read anything other than Popular Mechanics, Sports Illustrated and other men’s lifestyle magazines? If the sheer volume of books and articles available is any indication, women carry a lot of irritation and frustration surrounding dating and I’ll be the first to say that I empathize! If you spend any time perusing the shelves of your local bookstore, you will soon notice that many of the titles of books and magazine covers show a trend: women are trying to figure out men, the dating scene, and learn how to take control of the situation.

But do these books really offer any benefit to women or they just a bunch of fluff? The way I see it, they’re mostly fluff and I’ll tell ya why.

Dating Book Fluff #1 – Change Yourself

Far too many books tell women to change themselves to better find a mate. There are books telling women to follow a set of prescribed behaviors and responses in order to ‘catch’ a man. For many women, mixing dating and men is laced with a sense of having to ‘do’ something to make things happen.

Feelings like, “If only I could lose ten pounds I’d find a man.” or “I have to make the man chase me to get him to like me.” run rampant in these dating and relationships books.

Dating Book Fluff #2 – Dating Secrets

Another type of book that may be an entertaining read but doesn’t usually offer up much concrete advice are the “Secrets” books. The same dating “professionals” profess to have all the answers and even the secrets to decoding gender behavior. What they’re mostly offering are shortcuts to a system that really doesn’t have any to offer. Women (and men alike) that read and follow these books are often left disappointed that they weren’t able to break the code and find themselves back at square one when it comes to their love life.

Dating Book Fluff #3 – Intentional Manipulation

This is one area of relationship and dating books that the man as the intended audience outweighs the woman. I’ve read two of the books in this category – two of what are considered to be the most popular and, quite frankly, they made me sick to my stomach. I’m convinced these books perpetuate the “game” that many daters profess to hate, and yet, some of the books are million+ sellers.

What’s that Leave?

What does all of this tell us? Women are just as perplexed by men as men are by women and there are millions of books out there to offer up as proof. The media’s involvement does not seem to be alleviating this confusion, either. Rather, it seems to be offering contradictory advice. It’s a wonder anyone ever finds a partner in this confused and convoluted environment!

The dating and relationship books that do offer up genuine knowledge and advice are those that speak from experience and from the heart. They don’t try to turn you into someone you’re not and they don’t make promises they can’t keep. The best dating books, in my opinion, are not self-help, but rather guided tours of someone’s relationship and dating experiences, point out not only the high points but the low ones along the way as well. Seeing the (dating) world from someone else’s shoes can be a rather enlightening experience! One that hopefully entertains as well as informs and prepares the reader for dates to come.

Whether you just experienced a painful breakup, a divorce or suffered the loss of a lover, getting back into the dating game can be a very stressful time. The good news is that, given you are thinking about dating, you’ve overcome half the battle. Accepting that it is time to begin looking for a mate means you are on the road to recovery.

Nonetheless, the dating world can be a scary place. Depending on the intensity and longevity of the relationship you used to have, it can make you feel as if you are an alien from another planet as you navigate these foreign waters.

Here are some rules and regulations to help you get back into dating, so you can find the companionship and connection to another person that you deserve:

Rule #1 – Know What You Are Looking For

Even if you feel desperate inside, having a bad dating experience right out of the gate can be catastrophic to your self esteem. Think back on your former relationship and make a mental list (or write it down) as to what worked and what didn’t. Know what is important to you in a lover and pursue relationships in those that compliment your wants and needs in a mate.

Rule #2 – Don’t Let Dating Kidnap You

Dating can bring companionship, confidence and wonderful feelings of happiness. But be sure not to let go of yourself and your identity in the process. Take care of yourself, engage in your hobbies and interests and still remember to allow time in your day for yourself.

Rule #3 – Consider Online Dating

If you aren’t into the social scene or popular single venues, think about trying online dating when you are just starting out, to explore looking for a partner once again. It isn’t intimidating because there is some anonymity and little pressure. You can look for others with similar interests, values and characteristics you find important. It is much less likely to start you off in the wrong direction or with a bad experience.

Rule #4 – Start As Friends, Lovers Can Follow

Given you have been out of the dating scene so long, you might feel intimidated or pressured into the passion of a new relationship, when you would feel better beginning as friends. Of course, the other person has his or her own feelings, which might not coincide with yours. But healthy, long term relationships are based on lovers being best friends – so don’t start out solely looking for passion. Enjoy getting to know people and see if you truly relish spending time with them. Do you share similar interests? Laugh together? These are very good signs of friendship in addition to characteristics of healthy couples.

Rule #5 – It Might Not Happen

For some who have put off entering the dating scene, once he or she is ready, disappointment can soon follow. Just because you are ready now ready doesn’t mean Mr. or Mrs. Right is out there waiting. If it were that easy to find that special someone in a matter of days, the world would be happier! Do not let it hurt your confidence or self esteem if it takes time to find a date or to find someone you enjoy spending time with. You are ready, and that is a great first step! Just don’t criticise yourself if instant companionship doesn’t arrive when you take your first steps. It will happen… be patient, care for yourself and let love come when it is ready, given you are now ready.

About the Author:

Grace Pamer is a work from home mom and the author of www.RomanceNeverDies.com, one woman’s on going quest to get the world reacquainted with the art of writing love letters.

Cover Image by kevin dooley via Flickr.

Nice guys may finish last, but at least they finish.  This saying seems to apply to dating, especially in a day and age when women are just as direct and bold as men in times past.  Women have become so bold, in fact, that some of the nicer guys among our sex have virtually given up on dating.  Women just seem to eat them alive.  What can these guys do?  How can they learn to survive the vicious arena we call dating?

What follows are 10 dating rules for men, if followed, are GUARANTEED* help even the nicest guy finish in good standing. Ahem.

1. Test her:  Find out from the start what kind of girl you are dealing with here.  Lock your car doors when going to get her (yes, it is still customary for a man to retrieve his date from her home).  On returning to the car, open her side first and get the door for her.  Notice if she reaches over to unlock your door.  If she does not, cut your losses.  This girl will not like a nice guy and will end up being more trouble than she is worth.
2. Be yourself:  It should go without saying, but she agreed to go out with you because you are nice.  If you listen to your buddies and try to be some kind of tough guy you are not, she will see through the ploy.
3. Don’t be a patsy:  You can be nice without letting the doorman leer at your date.  A simple, “dude” stated firmly and in the offenders direction should suffice to tell her you are nice, but within reason.  A woman just wants to know you have her back. Ya dig?
4. Be and smell clean:  This may sound like a no-brainer, but I once knew a “nice” guy who complained that he could not get women to give him a second thought, or even a first one.  I told him to take a bath and wash his clothes.  He stunk and looked like he stunk.
5. Try to get into her pants**:  I know, that sounds crude, but guys, it sends a very clear message that you find her desirable.  She wants you to desire her or she wouldn’t have spent hours getting ready (and she did).  But the kind of girl who will continue to date a nice guy will not give it up right away.  She will put you off, but likely in such a way as to whisper, “later.”  You had better be listening.
6. After trying to get into her pants, be genuinely apologetic, but honest.  Say something like, “you just look so, so…wow.  I don’t normally act like this.”  This reminds her that you are sensitive to her needs; that you are a nice guy.
7. Don’t plan:  Spontaneous dates favor nice guys.  Spontaneity allows the real person to bubble up and be seen.  This is the guy you want your date to meet.
8. Let your sense of humor show:  Everyone has a sense of humor, whether it is dry or sarcastic.  The trick is to use humor in such a way as to lighten the mood and have fun.  A date is all about fun, so don’t try to suppress your humor.  Let it out.  Either you click or you don’t, but better to find out sooner rather than later.
9. Walk her to her door at the end of the date:  It may seem old-fashioned to do so, but women expect certain behaviors from “nice” guys.  Chivalry may be dead, but the dream lives on in many women.
10. Ask her out again:  It should not even need to be mentioned, but nice guys tend to miss the subtle cues a woman gives when she wants another date.  Even without these cues, if you want to see her again, just tell her so and ask when.  The worst thing that can happen is she says no or makes some excuse.  The best thing that can happen is she says yes and the next date is much easier.

If you keep these ten simple rules in mind when finally getting that date with the redhead in the cubicle down to the right, you will find yourself more at ease and dating more frequently.  Get too good at these rules and you may turn into a heartbreaker.  Then you will no longer be a nice guy and will have to find another rulebook.

Chime In

What are your dating rules for the nice guy? Share them in the comments below!

*Yeah, right. We all know there are no guarantees in dating!

**Not on the first (or second or third) date, doofus!

Cover image by Thomas Hawk via Flickr.

A recent New York Times article buzzing on local radio stations quotes MIT (as in Massachusetts Institute of Technology) psychologist Sherry Turkle as saying that texting is …”perfect for manipulation…” Now, I know if you’re a single that’s dated in, well, this century, you know EXACTLY what Ms. Turkle means, right? Texting and dating often don’t mix; I think we can all attest to that. Have you ever been dumped by text? Have you ever experienced “text abuse”? If you have, then I think you know what the study was all about.

A more detailed excerpt is below from the Fox News reprint of the NY Times article:

“It’s perfect for manipulation,” says Sherry Turkle, a psychologist in the program in Science, Technology, and Society at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “We can create anxiety because it’s so intimate.”

Texting is also immediate. Most people see texts faster than they see email or pick up their voice messages. And they expect a reply right away, according to Turkle, who has researched this.

When we send a text, we expect a reply in three minutes, she said. If we haven’t received one in five minutes, we get antsy. “And if we still haven’t heard back in 10 minutes, we believe something is wrong, that we are being ignored,” said Turkle, author of “Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other.”

Text Manipulated or Text Manipulator?

In my experience, anyone that purposely ‘creates anxiety’ in someone they care about should be smacked upside the head. One of the most important basis for a successful relationship is open and honest communication. In the dating game, texting can often make or break a relationship. Where do you expect a relationship to go if it starts off with passive-aggressive texting with one person or the other trying to get the ‘upper hand’ through manipulation? I think many daters have purposely played the texting dating game before and I’m also willing to bet MOST didn’t benefit from the games that were played.

What do you think about using texting for passive-aggressive manipulation? Have you been subjected to this type of manipulation or have you used it yourself? Do traditional (read: outdated) dating rules also apply to texting as well? For example, should you wait a certain number of hours/days/weeks before responding to a text from a date? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Cover Image by ejbSF via Flickr.

I was single after my divorce for almost 6 years.  I went on hundreds of first dates (it almost pains me to think about that).  Some first dates were reasonably successful and led to second dates and still more were total failures that barely made it to the end of the night.  With each subsequent first date I learned something new about myself and about dating.  I learned the only aspect of dating that I had control over was myself (on a good day, that is).  Therefore, I came up with a new set of dating rules.

This set of dating rules is a little different because they apply to YOU as a dater because you are the only person you have any control over.  Rules should be seen more like dating standards or dating guidelines.  If presented with a scenario, how should you behave given your morals, ethics and standards you hold yourself to?  How would you want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot?  If you want to maximize your first date potential, I highly recommend the below three first date rules.

First Date Rule #1 – Be Honest

Honesty in dating is this nebulous blob of conversational bs that everyone talks about but few really practice.  Honesty is relative. Honesty is subjective.  Honesty is not measurable and there’s no way to hold anyone accountable for his or her honesty in dating.  Therefore, honesty is the responsibility of each individual in dating.

The type of honesty I’m talking about in a first date type of scenario is a little different than what most people think of when they think ‘honesty’.  I’m not just talking about telling the truth to your date about your job, your past, your future, your credit rating or anything that may come up on first date chats.  The type of honesty that I’m talking about is being authentically you.  If you can walk away from your first date knowing you were authentically yourself then you know that you’ve given your date the most accurate view of yourself possible and their decision to see you for a second date would be 100% authentic as well.

First Date Rule #2 – Be Polite

Rule number 2 should be a no-brainer but the type of behavior I experienced on first dates regularly surprised me.  From inviting friends on the date (can you say 5^th wheel?) to interrupting the date with cell phone calls and texting while on the date, people amazed me all the time with their audacity and lack of respect – for me and for themselves.  Even if you decide you’re not interested in a second date while on your first date, understand that you still have a responsibility to yourself to conduct yourself with dignity and respect.

First Date Rule #3 – Be Punctual

A first date is the epitome of a first impression.  Even if you met through an online dating site, you’re still meeting someone for the first time.  Senses are heightened and nerves are often on edge.  Everything about that first date experience is a first impression.  You’re setting the tone for each subsequent moment of your date with the moment before.  Even if you’re not generally a punctual person, it’s important to be on time for your first date.  If you’re late, you’re basically telling your date that they’re not worthy of your time.  Before you even meet them you’re saying, “I don’t want to see you again”.  But hey, shit happens sometimes; stuff comes up.  I get it.  If you’re going to be late, at least have the courtesy to let them know.

Cover image by Serolynne via Flickr.

Part III in the series of dating rules for responsible adults brings us to the rules that apply to all parents that have found themselves back in the dating scene after a divorce, separation or split from the parent of their children.  Now, my general rules of thumb may need some leeway when it comes to parents because I know first hand that sanity is a relative term.  With that in mind, these rules apply to you, as a parent if you are…

• an adult approaching or over the age of 30,
• relatively intelligent and educated,
• seeking a long-term relationship as the goal,
• and, most importantly, mentally stable(ish).

Again, these rules apply to those daters that are seeking a relationship with some degree of normalcy.  Most of us do seek normalcy in our relationship but for those looking for a fling, friends with bene’s, ‘professional’ daters or other dating deviants, these rules will never apply.

And now, dating rules of engagement for today’s parent.

Dating Rules For Parents Number 1: Keep ‘Em Separated

My first dating rule for parents is about separation.  I don’t mean separation from your previous partner; I mean separation of your ‘home’ life (ie: your children) and your ‘social’ life (ie: your sex partners).  It’s best to keep somewhat of a distance between each of these ‘worlds’ – especially in the beginning.  Sure, your dates will need to know that you’re a parent right up front.  It will NOT do you any good to hide that fact from them because dating as a single parent presents itself with enough challenges on its own.  There’s no need to add more aggravation to the equation.

If you feel that your children are at the age where it’s appropriate, you may tell them that you’re dating, just to keep them in the know.  Again, this may somewhat depend on the age of the children and, obviously the stage of the relationship with the person you’re dating.  Even if your children are in their teens they shouldn’t be meeting the incessant stream of your dates as they march in and out of your life.  While teens may be more aware than younger children, they can still be greatly influenced by the perceived instability that dating presents.  Even though your dates may not qualify to you as relationships, your children may see them that way.  It’s best to have a ‘No Revolving Door Policy’ with your children and your dates and I would wait to introduce the two worlds until you’re pretty certain they’ll be around each other for a while.

Dating Rules For Parents Number 2: Slow and Steady

I’m going to level with you for just a moment.  We’re adults, so I feel like I have that liberty.  I hope by now that the wild and wooly days of your past are just that – in the past.  Back in the day, we stayed out until all hours of the night, drank ourselves silly on cheap wine or beer and woke up after most of the rest of society was finishing up their afternoon meal.  I hope by now that those days have been replaced with more mellow gatherings with friends around a fire pit or barbeque more likely with a bottle of wine that we’re unable pronounce (chateau-something-or-other) than a case of Natty Light or the cheapest boxed wine you can get your hands on.

Gone also should be the days of whirlwind, tumultuous, rollercoaster romances.  We’re too old for that crap, aren’t we?  That’s high school bs, really.  Relationships that start out fast and furious and end with a quick fizzle are not what adults our age do. They’re also not positive environments to present to your children.  Single parent daters should not be in a hurry and shouldn’t rush the natural growth of the relationship.  Single parent daters also should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to rollercoaster relationships. Rushing into things also takes away from our ability to filter out the bad matches because we’re caught up in the moment rather than thinking about the long term.  Rollercoaster relationships destabilize and add anxiety to everyone the relationship touches – friends, family, children, ourselves.  Give yourself time to really discover who it is that you’re dating.

Single parent daters have more at stake than the average dater does.  When a single parent’s budding relationship goes south, the children involved are going to be impacted as well.  They have established bonds with your date and maybe even with your date’s children.  Yanking those bonds away from them more than a handful of times will have a destabilizing effect on them that may be difficult to correct.

Feel free to continue getting caught up in the moment, having more fun than you probably should on your dates and daydreaming about your future with that handsome gentleman or striking lady you met last night.  Just remember that reality has a nasty habit of returning to our lives the next day, so try to keep things in perspective once the initial high wears off.

Dating Rules For Parents Number 3: Believe

My first two dating rules for single parents were a bit…serious and maybe even just a little bit discouraging.  It’s not that this rule isn’t serious, because I am serious about it.  Rather, this rule is a bit more up-lifting than the other two.  I chose those rules because I think parents often take their roles as parents too lightly, especially when they jump head-first into dating.  This rule is about letting go just a bit.  Single parents must believe that there is someone out there; someone even better for them than the previous relationship they exited.  As we enter our 30’s, we must believe that there’s more out there for us despite what might have happened in our past, what our current situation presents or what our immediate prospects for the future look like.  Things can get better.  Things will get better.  You’ll see.  Dating after divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is often a pretty low point in one’s life.  Just remember, when you’re at the bottom the only way to go is up!

The final in the series – Part IV ‘Dating Rules of Engagement for Everyone‘ is up next.  Thanks again for reading!

Cover photo by Matt Batchelor via Flickr.