This may come off as an angry post. That’s good because I am a little torqued right now, I’ll be honest.
Guys, it’s time to man up. Seriously.
I’m convinced that America (possibly the world?) is facing a parenting epidemic. More and more dads are bailing on their responsibilities of being a parent. Where do you guys get off thinking that you can bring a child into the world and not be involved in that child’s life?
Now, I’m not just talking about the typical definition that most of us have of a deadbeat dad. You know, boy meets, girl, boy sleeps with girl, girl gets pregnant, boy bolts faster than my 9 year old on a sugar high. That’s the “easy” definition of a deadbeat dad and one that everyone knows. Let me introduce you to my more accurate definition of exactly what it means to be a deadbeat.
A Real Definition of a Deadbeat Dad
Part of the epidemic that America’s children are facing is certainly due to the dads that simply disappear from their lives. It happens every day and, if I could grab them by the scruff and smack ‘em, I would. But there’s another part of this problem I’m pretty sure we all see but we may just not be conscious of it or it hasn’t registered for us yet.
I’m talking about the parent that sticks around but isn’t really ‘present’. My definition of a deadbeat dad would include the dads that are the pretenders too, and not just the ones that jump ship and leave. If you’re spending more time at work, or on the golf course or washing your car, you may be a deadbeat dad as well. If you’re around, but not really involved then you’re a deadbeat. If you think it’s your job to be the breadwinner and leave all that “parenting garbage” to your wife, guess what?
Yep. Here’s your sign.
So what do you say guys? If you’re marginally involved as parent, why not consider doing something different like manning up and being a real dad? There is a huge difference between being a dad and being a father and way too many guys are dropping the ball. It’s up to each of us, as men, to stand up and help parent our children. If we don’t, we have no one to blame when the value of a dad has been completely depleted.
Period.
The Few, The Proud, The Step (Up) Parents
Time to Man Up, Dads!
Ok, since I’m pretty sure that this post won’t be enough to change the minds of the majority of the douches out there that will decide (yes, it’s most often a decision) to be deadbeat dads, I have to give some props to the steps out there.
The stepparents, that is.
Most of us probably have some difficulty comprehending that someone could simply abandon a child, often without even looking back or thinking twice. But let’s approach this from a man’s perspective for just a moment. We’re men, after all, right? Ok, so say you’re a man and you’re making the decision to be a deadbeat. Isn’t there some (I’d argue quite a bit) incentive to stick around just at the notion that some other man is going to step up and be the man that you chose not to be?
Guys, you know it’s going to happen. There’s a man out there that’s willing to clean up after the mess you made and be a real dad to that child of yours.
There is. I promise.
If the idea that some other (real) man is willing to step up and step in for you and be a parent to a child that’s not even theirs isn’t enough of an incentive to be involved then, honestly, what does that say about the type of man you are anyway?
Not much.
Stepparents rock every single day if you ask me. And they get a pretty bum rap in the process, too. If parenting is one of the toughest jobs anyone can ever have, then step parenting is one of the toughest most under-appreciated. I think a thank you is in order.
Thank you, Stepparents!
There Are Currently 8 Comments on this Post
Being a single mom changed my perspective on parenting in general and I must say that I really took the challenge wholeheartedly and I am enjoying every moment of the journey. Being a parent is more than just being able to provide financially, it’s a lifetime engagement. our time, guidance, support and undivided attention, whenever possible, is what our children actually need. Thanks for the informative read
What about a father that takes part but at 24 lives with his parents, and his mom does everything for my granddaughter. He chooses to only work 20 hours a week so he doesn’t have to help financially. My daughter works 40 hours a week and pays health insurance for my grandaughter. They share custody 50/50. He parties every night while his mom stays home with the baby when they have her. He also punched and dragged my daughter while holding the baby. They both went to jail. I see him as a looser and his parents bailing him out all the time. I think if they were tough and kicked his butt out, maybe he would buck up. He admits to not wanting to pay my daughter a dime so he chooses to work as little as possible.
Thanks Daniel. Being physically and emotionally present in your child’s life is a noble obligation that every parent must fulfill.Kids nowadays lack the guidance that they essentially need to become responsible adults in the future.
This is truly inspiring and it made me think for a minute if I am truly giving my child enough time to nurture her development and well-being. With the demands are confronted with everyday to provide for our families, there are times when striking a good balance between working and parenting becomes an issue. Thanks for sharing!
I agree. There has to be a way for even the Dad who works 60 hrs a week to put food on the table to be a part of a child’s life. What about a bed time conversation if that’s all you have. Even a little shared yard on Saturday. It may seem a little weird to some…but I always think about Little House on the Prairie for a little guidance in parenting.
Interesting post, Daniel.
Though that kind of relationship advice isn’t always correct. I have a son from my first marriage. He isn’t interested in anything other than what he can get out of me which is sad. So, yeah, that relationship has kind of ended, despite my attempts of interest and parenting.
Thankfully though, I have a stepson now in my current marriage. Second time lucky.
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Hey Martin,
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. Clearly, there’s no universally applicable ‘advice’ to any parenting situation. Another reader had pointed out by email that I hadn’t accounted for the dads that try to be present but, due to circumstances beyond their control (perhaps similar to your situation) they simply can’t be in the child’s life.
The fact of the matter is that I write within a narrow focus for each piece I write. If I covered all of my bases on all of the articles I published related to parenting, each piece would be 20,000 words long and the average reader would fall asleep before they finished.
-Daniel
Testify. It’s hard to think that a dad/father could abandon or not think about the child that they created. The other month I heard about how Costa Rica handles deadbeat dads. Essentially, they make all dads financially responsible. My link to the story, (shameless link is here: http://www.daddymojo.net/2012/03/single-parents-what-costa-rica-does-about-deadbeat-dads/) points out that ‘privacy activists’ would be up in arms, but it would ultimately be better for the children and the family.
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