By the time this article posts my son will have turned 9 years old and I will have missed his birthday.
Voluntarily taking a back-seat as a caring, involved father is difficult to do, to say the least – but because of the way many states’ laws are written, a large number of fathers are required to do just that. My regular schedule with my son during his school year means that I don’t see him for a week at a time every-other week. That’s very difficult to do under good circumstances, but when there are co-parenting and communication difficulties, it can be excruciating.
I have a hard and fast rule on this site that I never post anything that ‘bashes’ an ex and I’ll maintain that standard for myself and anyone else that guest posts on my site. The fact is that many parents – both moms and dads – have a great deal of difficulty when dealing with their ex for really no logical reason at all. How do you handle a situation when the behavior of the other party just doesn’t make any sense?
The Incident
By the time this article posts my son will have turned 9 years old and I will have missed his birthday. How am I clairvoyant, you ask? My ex refused to allow me to see him on his birthday due to a technicality in our custody agreement. The exact wording of the section of our agreement is below:
Three (3) hours of visitation with the child(ren) between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m during each child’s birthday. The non-residential parent shall confirm to the residential parent at least ten (10) days in advance of each child’s birthday of the intent to exercise this visitation. This visitation shall be awarded to the residential parent, if the child’s birthday falls on a regularly scheduled visitation day.
Battling technicalities exactly like this was one of the reasons that prompted me to file for a modification. What this says is that I (as the ‘non-residential’ parent) am required to request time with my son on his birthday at least 10 days prior. If I do not make this request in time, she can refuse. In reality, she doesn’t even need a reason to say no since my request is just expressing my ‘intent’. This year I mistakenly forgot about the 10 day requirement and made the request only 8 days in advance. She refused to allow me to see him on his birthday because of this technicality. I’ve seen him on every one of his previous birthdays (except another instance of her also refusing contact before we had any agreement in place) and my son also told me that he wanted to see me on his birthday. I can’t speculate as to my ex’s reasoning – she wasn’t technically in the wrong, but her decision didn’t only impact me but it affected my son as well. He was brought to tears at the idea of not seeing his dad on his birthday and I can’t say I blame him.
How I Deal With My Unreasonable Ex
Dealing with difficulties like this can be almost too much to handle at times. Irrational and arguably damaging behavior and that which seemingly goes against all logic can be very frustrating. Here are a few tips that have served me well so far when dealing with my unreasonable ex.
Tip 1 – Look for a Work-around
Instead of rolling over or blowing up, I went looking for my own work-around to patch up the situation. I called the school and learned the details about what was required to have lunch with my son that day. I didn’t get my regular 3 hours with him as our agreement provided, but at least I still got to see him on his special day and spend some quality time together.
Tip 2 – Choose Your Battles
This tip and the next will, at first glance, be a little bit contradictory. I could have gone ballistic when she informed me that I wouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to see my son because of my late notice, but I kept my cool. Escalating a situation is often not the best course of action when it comes to custody matters. Doing so will risk hurting more than your ex and can also have an impact on your children. If your intentions are pure then your children’s best interests really should be your primary concern.
Tip 3 – Stand Up For Yourself
Tip 2 is not advocating being a total push-over, but instead is a ‘choose your battles’ recommendation. If you feel that you’re regularly taken advantage of and (especially) if you think your child’s other parent is making decisions that clearly aren’t in your child’s best interests, you should take action through the proper legal channels. Consulting with an attorney and discussing your case is really the best way to enact change in your situation.
Notice: This information is not intended to constitute legal advice and should not be relied upon in lieu of consultation with appropriate legal advisors in your own jurisdiction.
There Are Currently 18 Comments on this Post
Hi, I’m a single dad who has spent the better part of the last year raising my three sons alone. I left last February and gained sole custody by November. I have no help from their mom by means of any kind of support. I have chosen my battles and I’ve stood my ground. I can honestly say that it’s been the hardest year of my life. I have three boys, ages 1, 3 and 5. Our baby was 4 months old when she left. When we first went through the courts, she had visitations twice a week for almost five months and she didn’t make one. Now visitations are at my discretion. I know that both parents are needed in a child’s life and I’ve offered full weekends is that too much leeway? Should I not bother at all? I’m lost and confused over this idea… Help me?
Hey Edward,
Thanks so much for leaving a comment. Personally, I think you should do anything you can to continue to encourage contact. While it’s not your job to make your ex feel better about what she has done, it is your job to keep your childrens’ best interest at heart at all times. Having two parents in their lives is almost always what’s best in the long-run. What do you feel like your choices are at this point? What options do you feel that you have as the custodial parent? Most importantly, what is your heart telling you?
Daniel Ruyter recently posted..A New Chapter – My
The birthday thing sounds just like what happened to me this morning. I have supervised visits and my parenting plan states that I’m supposed to let my ex-husband know who will be my supervisor and where the visit will take place prior to every visit. It also states that unless I tell him otherwise the visit is to be held at my Mother’s house. Well, obviously if it’s at her house SHE will be the supervisor. Anyway, I was sitting there at my mother’s house and he’s supposed to drop my son off at 9am and it’s 9:20am so I call him to find out what’s up and he proceeds to tell me that since I didn’t tell him who my supervisor would be and where the visit would be then he assumed I didn’t want to do my visitation today. I even told him at that very moment that I was at my Mom’s and she will be my supervisor so please go ahead and bring him but he said that they already have plans. i called my son 2 hours later and he was just sitting at home playing video games. I even specifically asked if he had any plans today and he said he was just gonna play video games and then he might go outside. Call me crazy, but that really doesn’t constitute as having plans in my book …
That situation sounds VERY familiar to me. How is it that parents don’t see that it’s not just the ex spouse that’s getting hurt in cases like this??? I will never understand how a parent could do that to their child. Thanks for your comment and story.
It’s pretty common that the ex-spouse that perceived themselves to have less power (in the separation or their lives) will try to manipulate situations like this to hurt the other ex. My ex doesn’t use our son as a revenge tool, but she finds other ways of trying to anger me. Fortunately, I made such radical changes in my life after our separation that she really doesn’t posses many tools to actually hurt me.
Anyway, if you want to read about my journey, you can check out my site at http://www.terrenord.com.
Good luck.
Oh,that so mean..I’m sorry to hear that from you.So, every time he’s with you make the most out of it…I can relate on this because we have the same situation.Good luck to us LOL…Just keep on praying for your son.Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My husband has a similarly worded “parenting agreement”. It is very specific in terms of parenting time, either regularly scheduled or holidays, birthdays, etc. This is going to sound harsh (perhaps it is), but if you agreed upon that writing (letting her know 10 days prior), then the only issue is with your lack of remembering and following the order.
I’d say that in the the best circumstances, when dealing with two human beings who have allowed one another to be human and still be respected, neither parent would hold this mistake against the other. My own parenting agreement (because I’m both stepmom and biomom) is very loosely written. This is only made possible because my ex and I have managed to place jointly parenting our son above our like/dislike of one another. Before he remarried we made it a point to share our son’s birthday by inviting one another over to whichever home our son was that week for dinner & dessert.
In a situation like the one with your ex, and like the one my husband his with his ex, I tend to think that a VERY strict, very strictly WORDED order is not only important but necessary. This immediately disallows for pointing fingers, for mistakes, for the requirement of “being nice”…because it’s ordered that you each do what you’ve agreed upon. Period.
Thanks for this post. I try so hard to be flexible and it isn’t returned with respect. Keeping my cool becomes tricky. I know I’m not alone and I could exercise my rights, pointing to provisions, if I wanted to. But in the end, it just hurts the children. They have to come first, always. All the best to you!
Hi @LauraRoeStevens . Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! The last part of your comment about children coming first HAS to be BOTH parents’ priority. If it’s not, the ones that suffer the most will be the kids in these types of situations.
This was great to read. I’m so sorry about this incident, but you did a good job making the best of it. I’m a step mom of two and have dealt with a lot of similar irrationals. It’s good to hear a dad like you voicing your side of it. I hear a lot from single moms including the kids’ mom- she has her own single mom blog. I’ve thought about starting my own, but haven’t yet. Good for you and good luck with everything!
Thanks Misty! I really appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to offer up some encouragement. Comments like yours sure make it easier for me to keep going!
Thank you so much for writing this. I am a step-mom to two children. My husband is lucky he gets to see his children a part of each week. (Although, they get bounced around twice every week–which I imagine is very hard on them.) But, his ex is so unreasonable about special occasions (with us it is the Jewish holidays). It is so hard on me, because it puts my husband in such a bad mood. And, he first loses his cool and second, rolls over for her. I can’t wait to share this article and your blog with him. I have been advocating going through legal channels since before we were married. It doesn’t seem logical to me to allow an ex-wife to intrude into our new life together by her constant pushing of his buttons. Reading your perspective made me realize we’re not the only ones dealing with an unreasonable ex–and there are ways we can respond. I love your creative thinking.
I can relate to your husband – dealing with an unreasonable ex is no easy task! I blame my hair loss on my ex (from pulling it out, mostly). If you can afford it, hiring an attorney and going through the process is the best way to see real change in the situation. You just have to make sure that what you’re doing is in the childrens’ best interests. If the ex is truly unreasonable and disruptive I suspect asking the court for changes likely is in their best interest.
Thanks for visiting and for passing us along! Feel free to stop by anytime and comment or ask questions!
That is painful and regrettable. I find this happens often as one parent uses the children to punish the other for any number of reasons. I’m going to piggy back off the post for my own.
Tough spot Daniel but well played.
Really sorry that you got to miss your son’s birthday … but really cool the way you handled it and got a sneak peek at lunch time. If it was me .. would probably have blown my cool and not thought of anything rational
Hope you get a quality ” late birthday ” celebration with him! We have a friend ( my DH’s best friend) who recently went through the pain of seperation and divorce … has two boys( my godsons ) and an unreasonable Ex. Will direct him to your site ….can see how your practical, down to earth tips will help him. Do post when you have that ” late birthday bash ” with your son 
and keep up the memoirs … your’e helping a lot of people.
I love this article for so many reasons. I first love how you phrased everything so you weren’t bashing, but giving excellent advice. I also love that you provided work arounds to what is a very tough situation. Bravo to you! PS I shared this on my facebook page!
It was a tough situation, but my getting upset and acting irrationally about it wouldn’t have done myself or my son any good. I appreciate the kind words and thank you for sharing with your Facebook fans!
Wow – I’m really sorry that happened! I can’t even tell you the last time I looked at my custody agreement. I know we have terms, but we are each pretty flexible – mostly keeping the kids in minds when asking to go off the schedule for this or that. It goes both ways. Your ex should be ashamed of herself for doing that. I hope you get to do something extra special with your son to celebrate, even though it’s not on his birthday.